Actually Agnostic or Slightly Spiritual?

There are moments in my life where my skeptical agnostic side battles with the dreamer spiritual side of myself (normal balance on those is 80%/20% respectively). Sometimes, though, it’s eerie how things “work out.” How, just when I’m starting to feel despair, a light suddenly shines so bright that I have to stop and question “maybe there is divine intervention” or “do I have a guardian angel?”

I’ve had pivotal moments where I’ve been so distraught that I really wondered if there was a way out of my circumstances (be it money-related, work-related, family-related). I don’t pray, I’m not the spiritual sort in that way. I’m a worrier, which (to be honest) I suppose is a type of prayer. Not healthy by any stretch of the imagination.

I don’t lay awake at night and say “God, do your will.” Nope, I fret over every minutiae, go over every scenario, in the shower, on the road, while watching TV, while I’m trying to sleep. I become obsessed with whatever it is, I snap at loved ones, lose sleep, and plot and scheme to remedy the situation – but rarely ever act on my plotting.

Rather, I am paralyzed with fear. “What if…” becomes my mantra, which prevents me from making any positive steps. This is why when things change, and the light shines through, this is why I question my questioning of a higher power. I’ve done nothing (and I mean nothing) to take action. Something just gets dumped on my lap, “here you go” the universe says with an exasperated sigh “now will you stop whining?!” 

Truthfully I’m not actually whining, let’s give an example: gas prices impact my life in a gigantic way – I drive more than 100 miles each and every weekday, so even a 10 cent jump in prices can put a serious dent in my finances by the end of the month. One such month, after maxing out all of my credit cards, asking for gas money from my parents, and Other Half, and being too ashamed to ask for more, I started looking for jobs closer to home. What’s the point in having my amazing job, when I can’t even afford to get there and get paid? Then the announcement came: a new person has been hired, and they’re driving from my town and need someone to carpool with! Viola! Problem solved – nothing I did made this happen, it just did. Makes me question my beliefs!

The weird thing is: this happens on a regular basis. I get truly desperate, and poof, a solution falls from the sky that is so easy to act upon, and such a “duh” sort of decision, that I don’t think, I just graciously accept my good luck. The odd thing is, I usually believe that I’m not worthy of this good luck. Surly the universe will yank this blessing back into the ether as some sort of cosmic joke. It doesn’t, though, and I’m left staring dumbstruck at how I could be so lucky.

Coincidence or divine intervention? I don’t know, but I’m thankful each and every day for the things and people that have been thrust into my life in this way!